HOW TO: Turn Some Made-Up Bullshit Into A Definitive Expert Blog Post
I may be tipping my hand here, and letting you go a little too deep inside my bag of strat tricks, but I want to talk about a powerful tactic for making something viral out of nothing.
One of the great things about the power of the social web is that you can pretty just make up whatever bullshit you want, and if presented properly (ie, on a blog with decent traffic), people will not only accept it as truth, but repeat it for you across the Net, ad infinitum (that’s Latin for “a lot”).
Some of my favorite tech and social media blogs have created an entire cottage industry out of the Strat Secrets I’m about to drop on you, so get ready to deep dive into a pretty serious data dump.
1. Make Up Some Bullshit That Will Drive a Provocative Headline
It doesn’t really matter what kind of bullshit you make up, so much as it portends to provide people with an insight or answer to something that is patently unexplainable, such as how the Internet actually works. The more insane/idiotic your theoretical headline sounds, the better, because people will be so confused by the ludicrousness of what you’re suggesting that they’ll simply have to click the link to find out more. Bonus points if you can tie it onto some kind of pop culture keyword that will drive great SEO (ie, “HOW TO: Use Your iPhone 4 to Become the Justin Bieber of Foursquare”).
2. Put Your Made-Up Bullshit Into the Context of an Authoritative “How To” Guide, Like You’re THE Expert
Leveraging a few simple formatting tricks to present information to people as some kind of expert step-by-step guide they should actually be following (as opposed to just some bullshit you made up) really gives your blog post a gravity that regular words and paragraphs just can’t provide. Utilizing this simple editorial tool, you can literally become the Expert of Everything. Try it!
3. Come Up With a Couple Points That Barely Support Your Made-Up Bullshit
It doesn’t really matter if you’re essentially just reheating and repeating the half-baked pseudo-logic of your headline/premise without adding or expanding with any additional ideas, you just need to fill out enough space for the piece to feel like a full, featurey blog post.
4. Illustrate the Made-Up Bullshit With Lots of Stock Photos of People Generically Doing Things With Computers and Gadgets
People love to hang out in cool bars, drinking mojitos and poring over your made up bullshit on their smartphones. It’s pretty much everyone’s favorite after-work activity.
COOL SOCIAL MEDIA BRO: Hey Ariel, did you see Mashable’s post on ‘HOW TO: Hack Foursquare To Become the Mayor of Everything By Lying About Where You’re At’?
ARIEL: Woah, Jeff - you just unlocked the badge to my panties.
5. Blast Out Your Made-Up Bullshit On Twitter
The genius of the whole thing is: no one actually reads anything anymore. They just see it on Twitter or Facebook, get the gist, re-tweet it to seem like they’re a relevant part of the conversation, then move on to the next piece of made-up bullshit. After a certain number of retweets, @-mentions and #hashtags, your made-up bullshit is magically transformed into Truth and Wisdom. I don’t know it works, but it just does.
6. Watch the Made-Up Bullshit Get Retweeted, Shared, Shouted and Buzzed Endlessly Thanks To Your Network of Clueless Middle Management “Strategy People” Who Desperately Worship Your Site as a Provider of Answers, Because Otherwise They Would Literally Have No Idea What Is Happening
Congratulations! Your made-up bullshit became something that someone said in a meeting to sound like they know what they’re talking about/justify their meaningless job. Now just pat yourself on the back, give yourself a new made-up title for your Twitter bio, and start making up some more bullshit.
Follow A Bajillion Hits on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube.
