50 Power Twitter Tips To Become the Most Powerful Twitterer That I Just Made Up
1. Read EVERY Tweet. If you let even one Tweet slip through cracks, you could miss the secret of the whole universe.
2. Keep track of everyone you retweet because they owe you a favor now.
3. Check to see if your email address book contacts are on Twitter. If they’re not, harass them unmercifully until they sign up and follow you.
4. Submit ALL of your tweets to Digg/Reddit/StumbleUpon.
5. If you get Tweeter’s block, just provide a literal answer to Twitter’s persistent “What’s Happening?” question, even if your whole stream just becomes an endless series of “Trying to think of something to Tweet” tweets. Nothing is worse than NOT Tweeting.
6. If you really want to succeed at Twitter, you should be a famous person. If you can’t manage that, just act like one.
7. If you just make shit up on Twitter, it’s not lying. It’s a sitcom.
8. For every 99 Tweets about how cool you are, throw in one Tweet with a self-deprecating joke about how you’re actually a total dork, but in a way that also makes you seem cool.
9. Not very many people seem to Livetweet embarrassing diarrhea situations. Could be an opportunity there.
10. But don’t over-do it. You shouldn’t make EVERY Tweet about pooping your pants.
11. Make sure your Tweets plug into your Facebook plug into your Tumblr plug into your Foursquare plug into your other social nets, like a neverending Human Centipede of Social Media Coolness.
12. Don’t forget to keep the Twitter conversation going in real life. People’s ears perk up when they hear any sentence that begins, “So I saw this thing on Twitter…”
13. You only get 276 DM’s in your whole life, so use them wisely.
14. Pick a great username when you create a Twitter account, because if you don’t, you’ll automatically be assigned the name “Rodney” followed by a series of numbers.
15. Only follow people with more followers than you (unless they’re exceptionally hot).
16. Only retweet people with more followers than you (unless they’re exceptionally hot).
17. Only @-reply people with more followers than you (unless they’re exceptionally hot).
18. If someone unfollows you on Twitter, find them and burn their fucking house to the ground in front of everyone.
19. “Twitter is powerful tool for acting like a powerful tool.” - Einstein
20. To succeed on Twitter, you have to either be funny, clever, informative or Ashton Kutcher.
21. On Twitter, there’s no such thing as spam. Spam is just a negative way of saying “Trending Topics”.
22. Your Twitter follower count is as close as you’ll get in this life to a numeric value of your own worth, so never let anyone forget it.
23. Sometimes just pretend to be Tony Danza in all your Tweets, but don’t tell anybody.
24. In China, anyone who is listed in #FollowFriday gets arrested. Never forget that.
25. Stop acting like such a spaz.
26. If people aren’t clicking on the links you Tweet, just keep Tweeting them over and over again. Eventually they’ll click (if they know what’s good for them).
27. Every single thought that comes into your head is special and deserves its own place on the Internet.
28. I really do not like the word ‘pamphlets’. (Now do you see what I was saying about thoughts being special?)
29. Remember what the Old Timers say: It’s ok to Twitter-grift, just so long as you don’t get caught.
30. Tweet like no one is watching, because they aren’t.
32. The Golden Ratio for a positive/productive day: 5% sleeping, 5% talking to people you care about, 10% eating chips, 80% listlessly scrolling through Twitter.
33. Retweet everything Conan O’Brien Tweets, no exceptions.
34. If you’re not getting a lot at-replies, try stirring things up by posing some provocative questions like, “Is it ok to be racist now?”
35. If you want to seem like a cool insider, but don’t have the time/money to go to tech conferences, just make a conference up, give it a hashtag (like #ConnectorConf), and pretend as if you’re there on Twitter. Normal people don’t know which tech conferences are and aren’t real, so nobody will notice.
36. Nobody reads or cares about the lists, so if you’re doing anything with Twitter lists, you’re wasting your time. Enough with the lists.
37. Type “Please RT” at the end of your Tweets to prevent people from accidentally retweeting you.
38. Taking other people’s tweets and using them as your own without credit or attribution is not plagiarism. It’s curating.
39. Never Tweet the word “Gozer”. Don’t test me on this. You DON’T want to find out why.
40. Think of people’s brains as hungry vaginas, and Twitter as your throbbing penis (this is a great analogy for important business boardroom meetings).
41. Never pass up an opportunity to “Twitterize” a word by putting a punny “Tw” at the beginning. It never stops being Twilarious and Tworiginal.
42. Hashtag everything. #HashtagsAddPoignance
43. When you want to make fun of Twitter for being inane, mention that’s it’s mostly just about “what people are eating for lunch”. This is Twitter’s secret Achilles heel that no one has thought to exploit yet.
44. Tweets should not be 140 characters. Tweets should be 140 characters, minus however many characters it will take another user to type: “RT @(your username) <——- The Fucking Best”.
45. Make sure you have your location services turned ON, because people just can’t get enough of knowing where you are where your geo-coordinates are on the grid when you Tweet things.
46. Put Twitter widgets with your Tweets EVERYWHERE - your blog, your other social networks, the comments sections of other people’s sites… I would even recommend putting a Twitter widget into your tweets.
47. Think about setting up multiple Twitter accounts, then blasting your Tweets out across all of them. It just increases your chances of getting more followers/RT’s/influence.
48. If you run a business Twitter account, sometimes Tweet only in Snoop Dogg “izzle” language. You know, just as a neat & cool thing to do on Fridays.
49. Never forget the ultimate goal of Twitter: to get Kanye West to follow you.
50. If you don’t do Twitter right, everyone will notice and secretly hate you.
Follow A Bajillion Hits on Twitter and Facebook and YouTube.
