How The Twitter “Man” Is Trying To Keep the Viral Buzz-Marketer Down

Last week, Twitter very quietly released a bombshell set of “guidelines” containing what appears to be, on the surface, friendly instructions for how to use their “trademarked” identity and branding, but in reality is a fascist commie plot to disrupt the free capitalist viral marketing business of professionals like you and me.

Jacking Tweets is how I harness hits and drive revenue, which means Twitter isn’t a business that “The Man” can just command and control with rules and laws. It’s a tool that belongs to all of us, because IT IS all of us. Those Tweets in there, those are MY Tweets, and YOUR Tweets. And unless Twitter fixes this situation, I’m taking them back. I’m taking them all back. Because up there it’s their time. But down here, this is our time.

Below are a just a few of the ways Twitter is trying to hijack our businesses and brands with their Byzantine “rules”, along with my own rebuttals on how I propose we shut them down.

TWITTER SAYS: Don’t imply sponsorship, endorsement, or false association with Twitter, Inc.

I SAY: Umm, I’m sorry Twitter, but what do you think every person is doing every day by TWEETING? Every Tweet I blast is a donation of influence to YOUR service, which implies that YOU are associated with and endorsed by ME, so you don’t just get to decide who benefits in this relationship, and how, unless you want to change the name of your service to BajillionHitser.

TWITTER SAYSDon’t Use the Twitter bird as a spokesperson to carry your logos or messaging (for example, your logo next to or being carried by the bird).

I SAY: This is a terrible idea, because what better way is there to mega-maximize your brand on top of another brand than by using that brand’s cute brand mascot to brand your brand? So I’ll do whatever I want to that bird, thank you very much, and if you keep getting so mouthy with me about it, your cute little blue canary might stop singing real quick. Whatever happened to that guy Tom from MySpace? EXACTLY.

TWITTER SAYS: Don’t use the Twitter name, logos, or Tweet marks on any apparel, product, or merchandise without our permission.

I SAY: Too late! I’ve already got a shipment coming in from Malaysia of 90,000 muscle tees that say “Re-Tweet This!” and show the blue Twitter bird grabbing its bulging fail whale of a crotch.

TWITTER SAYS: Don’t use screenshots of other people’s profiles or Tweets without their permission.

I SAY: Actually, I think Twitter co-Founder Biz Stone says it best in this Tweet, wherein he seems to implying an association with Apple’s iPad WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION.

TWITTER SAYS: Do make sure that if mentioning “Tweet” in your marketing campaign, you include a direct reference to Twitter (for instance, “Tweet with Twitter”) or display the Twitter marks with the mention of “Tweet.”

I SAY: Twitter, why don’t you worry about making a service I can use to create noise and jack people’s attention for my brand, and let me worry about coming up with the snappy taglines that make the young girls cry. I’m sorry, but “Tweet with Twitter” sounds like something N00BS with no strat would say. My marketing campaigns all feature the phrase, “Twitterblast My @.”

To further show these TooterTwat people I mean business, because JPEGs speak louder than words, I had my VP of Product Ryan Catbird create the protest graphic above, which is now the Official Twitter Branding of BajillionHits.Biz.

Follow BajillionHits on Twitter, who fully endorses and has deep business, personal, and psycho-sexual relations with BajillionHits.