New and Better Metrics For Determining Digital Supremacy
I love metrics. Nothing gets my strat harder than deep-diving into an analytics set and penetrating layers of stats in order to reach a more satisfying explanation of how people are engaging with my content on the Net.
But the key metric variables change and shift as quickly as the digital landscape itself, so we must be ever vigilant about finding the most relevant and important ways to monitor the success of our brands. Engagement metrics such as “Page Views Per Visitor” and “Time Spent” used to be important hallmarks of dynamic web content back when my site was still doing a ton of them. But it looks like I’m down about 40% this month, so it’s clear we must identify new and better benchmarks for success.
In my various strat chats with leading influencers, I’ve noticed a paradigm shift towards the following “New Metrics”. These are the only measuring tools that matter now.
Buzz-Waves: Calculated by multiplying link-backs by reblogs, dividing against the total number of “likes”, adding all at-replies, then just making up a number between 92 and 349 and putting that after the decimal.
Convo-Drops: Measured by each time a person politely mentions your business/brand/website/social media presence during the course of an IRL conversation. And I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that my friends/loved ones two favorite topics of conversation are: Alex Blagg and BajillionHits.Biz.
3P Brand-Jacks: The average monthly web content occurrences in which you mention yourself or your own in brand in the third person. One of the secrets of Alex Blagg’s Bajillion Hits is consistently crushing this metric.
Tweet-Overs: In which users scan your headline, ignore the content because they’re too busy/ADD-addled to read or watch it, then retweet the link anyway because they want to seem like an engaged and relevant part of The Conversation.
Beefiness: Average amount of your web content that pertains to beef or beef-related matters.
Monthly D-Mails: The number of emails you receive about doing various deals over the course of a month. I don’t even get emails anymore. Only D-mails.
Name-Check-Ins: Every instance in which other bloggers, social media profeshes or content creators drop your name or your brand in order to assert their own relevance. Though for someone with my level of Influence Penetration, this can be difficult to measure. Not really sure who is the Mayor of Constantly Referencing Strat (probably Ashton).
Influence Penetration: Measuring how deeply influential a person is by determining the probability of their being able to tell another person “Shut Up” to their face without suffering any negative repercussions. My IP hovers around 100%, so shut your stupid mouth.
Virtual Valuation: Determining the hypothetical net worth of your brand by assigning monetary value to intangible variables such as “blogger buzz”, “crispiness” and “potential virality”. My VV is just north of a bajillion.
Integration Penetration Percentage: Measuring the worth of your brand by the adjusted ratio of integrated ads, product placements and content sponsorships present across your platforms at any given time. At 100%, you are an advertisement for an advertisement. I’m currently at 114%.
Total Lunches Eaten: How many other social media professionals, tech experts and entrepreneurs you CRUSH and DESTROY by the EATING THEIR LUNCH over the course of a single quarter.
Actual Stickiness: How sticky your brand is. I’m almost always very sticky.
Click Tricks: How many times you can trick people into clicking on stuff so they can just see whatever content they came for (The goal is to make them click so many times they actually forget why they’re on your site).
Attention Economics Portfolio: Your comprehensive market share of other human beings’ time and attention. I’m basically the Bill Gates of Attention Economics.
Tab-Backs: How many times people return to your content in an open tab while listlessly cycling through the same old Internet pages, desperately trying to somehow affirm the meaning of their existence.
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