There’s an art to stuffing the maximum amount of coolness and success into 140 characters or less, and I’m basically the Da Vinci Code for how to do that. Here are 15 of my proven strat tips on how to really jack your follower count by making your Twitter bio as effective as possible at tricking people into thinking you’re important.
1. You can’t just like stuff. You have to take your interests to an unhealthy extreme by identifying yourself as an “addict” or “junkie” of those things. (ex. Social Media Junkie or PowerPoint Addict)
2. Make it super clear that your “views are my own” so your controversial opinions on last night’s episode of The Bachelor are in no way misconstrued to reflect negatively on your employer.
3. Ascribe super-heroic significance to your job, no matter how mundane, by adding “Guy” or “Girl” to the end of what you do. (ex. Data Entry Guy or Marketing Girl)
4. Nothing is cooler than being geeky, so you can never overstate how much of a total geek you are. The key is to be the geekiest geek in the whole geekoverse. (ex. Major ____ Geek, King Geekster or Her Royal Geekness)
5. If you go out to bars like every night of the week, you’re not alcoholic. You’re a Foursquare Ambassador.
6. You can add “-ista” to the end of literally any word to make yourself sound approximately 47 times more stylish and savvy. (ex. Digitalista or Barista or Unemployista)
7. A great way to sound really smart and cool is to combine a vague/abstract word like “Idea” with an impressive or scientific-sounding title or profession. (ex. Idea Architect or Solution Ecologist)
8. Calling yourself a “Culture Vulture” is a very clever and economical way to say that you watch a ridiculous amount of reality television.
9. It’s funnier if you say you enjoy something that generally everybody enjoys, but claim to be an ‘Enthusiast’ of that thing. (ex. Nacho Enthusiast or Nap Enthusiast)
10. Adding 2.0 to anything automatically makes you seem super tech-savvy. (ex. Biz Dev 2.0 or Subway Sandwich Artist 2.0)
11. Just mentioning SEO & SMO in your bio is an abbreviated way to let everyone know you’re very cool and will have lots of interesting things to say.
12. Twitter Critic sounds a lot nicer than “bitter, overly-opinionated asshole.”
13. If you’re one of the millions of professionals lucky enough to get paid for just hanging out on the Internet all day, at least bother to give yourself a more professional and important-sounding title. (ex. Lifestyle Designer, Community Manager or Content Strategist)
14. Make sure everyone knows how totally fun and carefree you are! (ex. Whimsy Aficionado or Mirth Muse)
15. Even if you’re worth negative-$30,000 and running your entire ‘start-up business’ out of a Wi-Fi-enabled Denny’s booth, you should always list yourself as an “Entrepreneur”.